How do you figure out who you are? Well, when it comes time to fill out a form for a free personal ad at one of the local New Times Connections parties, it's a bit late. You are probably not going to describe who you are, but rather what you are. Your height, weight, and hair and eye color do nothing but describe you physically. Save that information for describing yourself when the two of you are going to meet for coffee for the first time. If you don't list any of this and they want to know about it, think about that for a minute. Do you really want to get into a relationship with someone who is more interested in your height and weight than your hobbies and interests?
Take some time one day and sit down with a fresh cup of coffee, or a martini, and really think about who you are. What is important to you? Religion? Sports? Fine arts? A certain cuisine? What makes you tick? How and where were you raised? What are you looking for in a partner? Make a list of questions like this and then write down the answers. Think about what you do each day, week, month, and year. Don't be afraid to hang a few labels on yourself, labels like conservative, religious, optimist, etc.
You might want to pick up a book or two that includes a self-scoring test. Or, if you are a student, see if you can take a test or two through the school's counselling center. The Myers-Briggs or Kiersey test is a good one that determines which of sixteen personality types you are. For example, I am an INTP, which stands for Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving. Or you can take a similar short test to determine your Enneagram and which of 9 personality types you are. I forget which number I am, but I prefer the Myers-Briggs anyway. And there are many other types of tests.
Once you have a handle on who you are, the next step is to figure out if you are happy with that. Why would you be unhappy with who you are? Well, you are most likely only unhappy about one or two aspects of who you are, and if you set your mind to it, you can work on changing those. For example, you may be judgmental. You may be making quick remarks about what other people are discussing, and that may be turning them off. So you need to work on letting people make their statements, without dismissing their opinions outright. You probably won't convince them they are wrong, nor will they convince you that you are wrong, but at least you can carry on a conversation for several minutes rather than several seconds. If this sounds overly simplified, it is. It isn't easy changing aspects of our personality, but the first step is to figure out what could be changed.
Once you have gone through this drill, you can work on something else. You can figure out what you want, and what you are looking for. The list you create will be preliminary, and as you begin to actually explore what you are looking for, you will find yourself making adjustments in that list. You will make progress in your quest and waste less of your time, and your life will be more fulfilling.
OK, so now let's assume that you have figured out who you are, and are happy with this. First of all, now you can describe yourself in a much different light in a personal ad, And you also have something to talk about in a mixer environment. And now comes the big bonus.
A happy person is much more attractive than an unhappy person. Initially it might show most in the eyes and smile, but it eventually spreads to the whole body and becomes an aura. Others don't notice that your hair is gray, or that you are bald. They don't notice that you are a bit overweight, or wear glasses. They want to meet you and get to know you. If they already know you, they want to talk to you.
Think about how you feel and what you think of people who are not happy. The question that comes to mind is, "Gee, I wonder what is wrong with them?" Do you really want to find out? Probably not. So you certainly don't want to project that image yourself. If there really is something that is bothering you at the moment, if people know you as a happy person, they will seek you out to learn what is wrong, and try to cheer you up. However, they have to have known you to be a happy person before they will do this. So if you are having a problem, be up front about it, and that alone may help make it go away and make you look like the happy person you normally are.
The other neat thing about radiating this aura of happiness is that it magically makes you appear younger. Carrying around an attitude, or looking unhappy adds years to your appearance and makes you look older than you really are.
So lose that attitude. Learn who you are and be happy with who you are. You will look younger and be a whole lot more attractive.